Last weekend I was waiting for a bus to take me to a doctor's appointment on my local street in North London. It was set to be the hottest day of the year so far and in preparation for this I was wearing a cropped top and shorts with flip flops (this may be an irrelevant detail but it might later enable you to understand perhaps why I was feeling a little more exposed than usual). There was one other person at the bus stop - a man of unspecified age but certainly a fair bit older than me. After some minutes had passed he told me he had been waiting a while and wasn't sure if the bus was coming. I had headphones in, which I like to think automatically give off an air of I do-not-want-to-be-disturbed ness, but I also didn't want to be completely rude so I said I would look it up on my phone and reassured him that the bus was on its way. What followed next is what troubled me.
Before I launch into a potential character assassination I just want to say I have no idea if this man's intentions towards me were good or not. He may have been a truly wholesome individual just trying to make conversation and I might have rebuffed him totally unfairly. But this conditionality is precisely where the problem lies - I don't know how he would have behaved had he had the opportunity to get close to me. However unlikely the possibility that I would have come to harm, interactions like this are a constant reminder of that risk.
Allow me to elaborate. He started by asking where I was going, little odd but still within the realms of acceptable, before (at least this is what it sounded like to me) asking if I wanted to see him afterwards. At this point my guard was very much up and I tried to come off as disinterested as possible. I'm not one of those people who hides their emotions well so I'm sure he could tell I wasn't really having any of it, but for some reason he appeared unable to let it go, which is what bothered me just as much as the quite personal things he was saying to me. He kept asking me what my name was, where I lived, telling me had seen me around and liked the way I dressed (I had no recollection of ever seeing this man before). He justified his pushiness by saying that neighbours should be friendly to each other, and maybe he was right. Maybe the sense of neighbourly community has vanished with the modern age, but in this situation that wasn't the point. I told him he was making me feel uncomfortable, and that his attitude came across as threatening rather than good natured. I was intensely relieved by the time the bus finally came and I was able to be rid of him, but it led me to mull over the issue of whether I was, in fact, not protecting myself but just being a bit unkind.
As women we are taught to be polite and generous and appreciative to anyone who shows an interest in us, regardless of whether the advance is wanted or not. And indeed, it is possible to have a friendly chat with a stranger or turn down a man's offer of a date without resorting to harsh words, as I had done the previous night whilst out in with friends. The difference there was that the man in that situation was able to accept my answer without demanding that I gave him what he wanted - we all know those sorts of men, who believe that being a 'nice guy' entitles them to the reward of your naked flesh. This man at the bus stop clearly felt like I owed him something simply because he was being nice to me, whether that was sex or just a conversation. I was being made to feel guilty for being rude, when in reality he should have felt guilty for invading my personal space where he was evidently not wanted. Whether or not I was being paranoid about his potential inclination to attack me, I don't have to justify why I didn't want to make friends with him. I don't have to explain to guys why I would rather chill with my friends or even on my own than pretend to flirt with them, because a simple 'I don't want to' should be enough. Yet in some cases it still isn't.
There have been complaints from some men in the wake of the MeToo movement that they are unable to approach women now for fear of being accused of sexual harassment (see Rachel Parris on The Mash Report for an excellent comedic analysis of this kind of behaviour). Clearly in this instance it's not just what you say, but the manner in which you say it and the inability to take no for an answer that is problematic. Some useful advice here would be if you can't tell the difference between being friendly and harassing someone, maybe you just shouldn't talk to anyone? Read the situation and go from there: if they're into you, great! If not, accept the rejection and move on. I personally refuse to tolerate anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable, yet not all women feel able to do this - even if this is the case, remember that they do not owe you anything, no matter how trivial. Yes men, we know you're not all sex offenders, but aside from the fact that unfortunately potential rapists don't come with a warning sign on their heads, it could be that we're not being insulting but that we just aren't in the mood. So in answer to the question posed in the title - no I'm not unfriendly, but I fully reserve the right to be if I want to.
Before I launch into a potential character assassination I just want to say I have no idea if this man's intentions towards me were good or not. He may have been a truly wholesome individual just trying to make conversation and I might have rebuffed him totally unfairly. But this conditionality is precisely where the problem lies - I don't know how he would have behaved had he had the opportunity to get close to me. However unlikely the possibility that I would have come to harm, interactions like this are a constant reminder of that risk.
Allow me to elaborate. He started by asking where I was going, little odd but still within the realms of acceptable, before (at least this is what it sounded like to me) asking if I wanted to see him afterwards. At this point my guard was very much up and I tried to come off as disinterested as possible. I'm not one of those people who hides their emotions well so I'm sure he could tell I wasn't really having any of it, but for some reason he appeared unable to let it go, which is what bothered me just as much as the quite personal things he was saying to me. He kept asking me what my name was, where I lived, telling me had seen me around and liked the way I dressed (I had no recollection of ever seeing this man before). He justified his pushiness by saying that neighbours should be friendly to each other, and maybe he was right. Maybe the sense of neighbourly community has vanished with the modern age, but in this situation that wasn't the point. I told him he was making me feel uncomfortable, and that his attitude came across as threatening rather than good natured. I was intensely relieved by the time the bus finally came and I was able to be rid of him, but it led me to mull over the issue of whether I was, in fact, not protecting myself but just being a bit unkind.
As women we are taught to be polite and generous and appreciative to anyone who shows an interest in us, regardless of whether the advance is wanted or not. And indeed, it is possible to have a friendly chat with a stranger or turn down a man's offer of a date without resorting to harsh words, as I had done the previous night whilst out in with friends. The difference there was that the man in that situation was able to accept my answer without demanding that I gave him what he wanted - we all know those sorts of men, who believe that being a 'nice guy' entitles them to the reward of your naked flesh. This man at the bus stop clearly felt like I owed him something simply because he was being nice to me, whether that was sex or just a conversation. I was being made to feel guilty for being rude, when in reality he should have felt guilty for invading my personal space where he was evidently not wanted. Whether or not I was being paranoid about his potential inclination to attack me, I don't have to justify why I didn't want to make friends with him. I don't have to explain to guys why I would rather chill with my friends or even on my own than pretend to flirt with them, because a simple 'I don't want to' should be enough. Yet in some cases it still isn't.
There have been complaints from some men in the wake of the MeToo movement that they are unable to approach women now for fear of being accused of sexual harassment (see Rachel Parris on The Mash Report for an excellent comedic analysis of this kind of behaviour). Clearly in this instance it's not just what you say, but the manner in which you say it and the inability to take no for an answer that is problematic. Some useful advice here would be if you can't tell the difference between being friendly and harassing someone, maybe you just shouldn't talk to anyone? Read the situation and go from there: if they're into you, great! If not, accept the rejection and move on. I personally refuse to tolerate anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable, yet not all women feel able to do this - even if this is the case, remember that they do not owe you anything, no matter how trivial. Yes men, we know you're not all sex offenders, but aside from the fact that unfortunately potential rapists don't come with a warning sign on their heads, it could be that we're not being insulting but that we just aren't in the mood. So in answer to the question posed in the title - no I'm not unfriendly, but I fully reserve the right to be if I want to.
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